Every adoption book I have read, indicates that if you want to adopt internationally or interracially, you must must must be prepared to nurture the culture of your adopted child. I have also heard the ugly term "white washing" referring to Caucasian families who adopt other-than-Caucasian children. It was a term trumped by opponents of interracial adoptions.
As we were preparing to adopt our first two children, we agreed wholeheartedly that nurturing their culture would be a priority for us. It still is, but the daily routine wins more often than not. However, it was the adoption of our daughter that brought this topic from determined decision to a question of concern.
Because she was so much older when her adoption took place, we felt that immersing her in her "own" culture as often as possible was the best thing we could do. We were thankful that our church had a Spanish ministry and population. We tried to find culturally relevant TV, recipes, and activities. It was after a number of Sundays in the Spanish ministry that I was noticing a pattern of dissatisfaction and disunity with my daughter. She had become increasingly distant after each Sunday and she was very difficult to get along with. She would come home after those Sundays and be defiant and quarrelsome. She would argue with her siblings over very petty matters. I began watching her and listening carefully to what she was saying. She would say, "wow, these people really like me here." And, "They really do care about me." I realized that she wasn't saying those things because she was feeling God's presence, she was shopping...for a family. She came to a church and like a good church should, they made her feel the love of Christ. She mistook that for the love of a family. She saw many ideal families and was ready to become part of one! I also started to notice that she was clinging to other things of her culture, not because she loved those things, but that they were the piece of her that was only her. It was the thing that bound her to her biological siblings and parents and it was the one thing that we cannot completely give her.
Today, being Cinco De Mayo, we faced this conundrum again. She was very animated and checked out culturally relevant books at the library, started making grand plans for décor, and started requesting a menu. I finally looked at her and said, "we are not going to celebrate this year." I felt like I burst her bubble. I then followed it up with, "I think you have done a great job connecting with your heritage, but I think it is now time to connect with the part of you that we share." She is in a very rebellious phase right now, so I am pretty sure that only pushed her deeper in the heritage abyss.
And now we have reached my question: When is it OK to pull the plug on the cultural preservation in order to build a family culture? Is it ever OK to ignore your child's heritage in order to bring a family together in unity? Our daughter was older when she was adopted (14) and I feel the clock ticking on my opportunities to bond with her. I am definitely feeling the need to set aside the cultivation of her individual identity to draw her into a culture of family - a concept completely foreign to her. I don't want to give those people who come up with those ugly terms any ground for their arguments against interracial adoptions, but I want to nurture the one thing that she will count on for the rest of her life, her family.
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