What do you say when . . .? Wednesday - Are they brothers?

One of the adoption related questions I am most frequently asked is . . .

"Are they brothers?"

We have 3 precious children. Our daughter (the oldest) is biological and our two sons were both adopted from Korea. So it is obvious that Abby is not biologically related to them, but since they are both Korean people are curious if they are "brothers."

Now, I know that almost 100% of the time I am asked that question, that people really mean to ask if my boys have the same birth parents. I believe it is just out of curiosity. But the question itself send a subtle message if you really think about it. Brothers, in this question, means two boys having the same birth parents. If I answered the question they mean to ask, I would say "No" because they are not related biologically. But my boys are 100% brothers. They have a absolute love and hate relationship with each other. The little one constantly tries to bug the older one. The big one laughs at all the funny stuff his little brother says and does. I often find them sleeping together in the same bed or both crying on the floor after a big fist fight. When they say, "You are not my best friend" to each other, I remind them that they are brothers and that is better than best friends. They will always be brothers.

There are many possible ways to handle this question. My response depends on the situation and my mood at the time.

Usually I say, "Yes, they are definitely brothers, but if you are asking if they are biologically related, they are not." I am not obligated to explain, but I personally like to educate people on the difference between being brothers and having the same birth parents. It sometimes opens up conversations about adoption (of which I can never get enough!). Most of the time people feel a little bad because they never intended on suggesting that they weren't "brothers." I choose this response in hopes that maybe next time they ask an adoptive family that question, they might phrase it in a little more adoption sensitive way.

Other times I just say, "Yes, they are brothers." I leave it at that. Even though I know that they will go away thinking something different than I meant, that's OK. It really is not important if they know that information about my boys. What is important is that my boys understand that no matter what, they are brothers.

This is just my personal response and it might not be the best for every adoptive family. I have friends whose adopted children are biologically related and people will ask if they have the same birth mom and birth dad, or just birth mom. Then it starts getting very personal. We have to first and foremost think about our children and make sure they are receiving accurate messages about adoption and their place in our families.

-Leah