Culture vs Family

Every adoption book I have read, indicates that if you want to adopt internationally or interracially, you must must must be prepared to nurture the culture of your adopted child.  I have also heard the ugly term "white washing" referring to Caucasian families who adopt other-than-Caucasian children.  It was a term trumped by opponents of interracial adoptions.

As we were preparing to adopt our first two children, we agreed wholeheartedly that nurturing their culture would be a priority for us.  It still is, but the daily routine wins more often than not.  However, it was the adoption of our daughter that brought this topic from determined decision to a question of concern. 

Because she was so much older when her adoption took place, we felt that immersing her in her "own" culture as often as possible was the best thing we could do.  We were thankful that our church had a Spanish ministry and population.  We tried to find culturally relevant TV, recipes, and activities.  It was after a number of Sundays in the Spanish ministry that I was noticing a pattern of dissatisfaction and disunity with my daughter.  She had become increasingly distant after each Sunday and she was very difficult to get along with.  She would come home after those Sundays and be defiant and quarrelsome.  She would argue with her siblings over very petty matters.  I began watching her and listening carefully to what she was saying.  She would say, "wow, these people really like me here."  And, "They really do care about me."  I realized that she wasn't saying those things because she was feeling God's presence, she was shopping...for a family.  She came to a church and like a good church should, they made her feel the love of Christ.  She mistook that for the love of a family.  She saw many ideal families and was ready to become part of one!  I also started to notice that she was clinging to other things of her culture, not because she loved those things, but that they were the piece of her that was only her.  It was the thing that bound her to her biological siblings and parents and it was the one thing that we cannot completely give her. 

Today, being Cinco De Mayo, we faced this conundrum again.  She was very animated and checked out culturally relevant books at the library, started making grand plans for décor, and started requesting a menu.  I finally looked at her and said, "we are not going to celebrate this year."  I felt like I burst her bubble.  I then followed it up with, "I think you have done a great job connecting with your heritage, but I think it is now time to connect with the part of you that we share."  She is in a very rebellious phase right now, so I am pretty sure that only pushed her deeper in the heritage abyss. 

And now we have reached my question:  When is it OK to pull the plug on the cultural preservation in order to build a family culture?  Is it ever OK to ignore your child's heritage in order to bring a family together in unity?  Our daughter was older when she was adopted (14) and I feel the clock ticking on my opportunities to bond with her.  I am definitely feeling the need to set aside the cultivation of her individual identity to draw her into a culture of family - a concept completely foreign to her.  I don't want to give those people who come up with those ugly terms any ground for their arguments against interracial adoptions, but I want to nurture the one thing that she will count on for the rest of her life, her family.

Jonathon

His name is Jonathon.  He is a beautiful little man with the most amazing expression.  He is 6, but he isn't speaking, yet.  I found his picture on one of the websites and I fell in love.  Instantly.  I have yet to figure out why God has placed in my heart this little man, but he is there in every beat.

I talked about him.  Prayed about him.  Tried to inquire about him. 

The excuses flood. 

What if I can't do it all.  I am tired.  We still have J.

What about when he gets older. 

I say:  What I am really worried about is that some day we will die.  He says:  That will happen either way.  We will die.  He will live.  We can care for him in the mean time, if that is what we are supposed to do.

The truth:  What I am really concerned about is that I will care.  I will not be able to care for him one day and I will CARE.  That demonstrates the belief that if I don't look into his adoption, if I don't take him as my OWN child, that I won't care.

But, isn't that the our nature?  We care the most about the people closest to us.  We care about our parents, our siblings, our spouse and our children.  But we can see page after page of orphans, the homeless, the hurting and not really give it much more than a moments notice.  And we are NOT BAD PEOPLE.  We actually do care that people are hurting, but what can we do?  We are easily overwhelmed and easily distracted.  Why focus on those we "can't" help?  Why take time to let one of those people capture our hearts and our attention. 

My truth for today is that Jonathon is mine.  If I am able to bring him home or not, I take responsibility for caring about him.  If God can care about each hair on my head, I can care about one more little person.  This verse reminds me of my value and Jonathon's.

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?  Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don't be afraid; you are worth more than sparrows.  Matthew 10: 29-31

Audio Adrenaline - Kings & Queens (lyrics)

Annie has 3 teeth, 2 kids, and 8 toes - total.  She is in her early 30s, but looks at least 15 years older.  She has had diabetes all her life and she recently moved.  To a battered women's shelter.

I met her after dropping the baby off for a visit with his parents.  She was visibly shaken and joined a conversation I was having with another foster mom.  She was very dissatisfied with the care her child was receiving in her foster home.  She said, "I didn't hurt my kids, do drugs, or drink.  The only reason I don't have my kids is because I had to have surgery on my feet and I had no one to take care of them.  Their dad couldn't do it..."

She shifted back and forth on her bandaged feet, restlessly looking for an answer. She needed to catch her bus back to the shelter, but she knew  her blood pressure was up and was worried about her diabetes.  I think she was reluctant to leave the hospital property.  She got the letter today that she will get an EBT card, but she doesn't have the card and the shelter only allows so much food.  She thought she would find a food closet tomorrow.

Because Annie is "in the system now," she has to wait to have her children returned to her care.  She had an appointment with the court, but her lawyer didn't show up.  The rescheduled and the lawyer who came was unfamiliar with her case.  It was postponed again until next week.  

One thing I admire about some of the "godly" people I know, is that they taught me:  do the thing that is in front of you.  Jesus said, "Whatever you do for the least of these..." Annie mentioned that she was able to get to a food bank in the morning so I picked up some groceries to get her though the night.   The most important thing, though, was that I shared with her about Safe Families.  If she could have had access to this organization, she would be with her kids today.  She would probably have had transportation to a food bank or even a few bags of groceries until her services kicked in...I am praying tonight that she is able to talk to someone there.  She will, undoubtedly, need help in the future.  She has NO support and serious medical issues.  If you think of Annie, would you join me in praying for her?  

Thank you.

A Real Life Example of Foster Parenting

Say Yes!

Devil's Advocate

Nausea returned, as my hands started shaking.  I realized that I should have had more than a Diet Pepsi before trying to take on this meeting.  I alternated between hot and cold and my fingers were tingling.  As I left the Doctor’s office and walked the very short distance between the two buildings, my ears began ringing and the intensity of my discomfort increased.  I realized I was physically not going to be able to get through this on my own.  I started to pray.  I silently called out to God asking Him to help.  I had been praying, off and on, but now I was pleading.  I had no idea how to face the person who put this tiny baby I was carrying though so much agony.  It was HER fault he struggled to eat, HER fault that he would have learning delays, and HER fault that he would never have the perfect family that God intended.  I prayed. I needed God to touch my heart and quick.  I was going to see her in just minutes.   I was 5 minutes late.

Thankfully, God always answers.   As I walked, God quietly spoke, “I love her too.”  The words struck a cord and I was convicted.  I (in my sin) DIDN’T love her too.  I didn’t love her at all.  I placed all the blame right at her feet and never considered her worthy of love and forgiveness.  Then, God reminded me, “I loved her first.”  In God’s eyes, our precious little peanut was no more important than his mom. (I am reminded of the Prodigal Son in Luke)  SHE is loved by him.  SHE is important to Him!  A few feet from the door, the door I would walk through and see her for the first time, my heart melted.  I felt so much love for her.  Only the love that God the Father can give.  I was completely humbled that God chose to overlook my sins and is offering her the same.  I was convicted for thinking that the problems of this person are any more horrible in the sight of God than the things I have done.  Who was I to judge her?  I started to pray again.  I asked for forgiveness for my hardened heart and felt forgiven.  I asked for a sensitive heart for her so that I would be able to pray for her and all that she is going through and God answered.

I can’t pretend to know what has brought her to this place, or what it is going to take to help her get to a place that she is healthy and can be a mother to her son.  I know that after meeting her and the father of the baby, I pray constantly for their struggles.  They are greatly loved by God and I know He has amazing plans for them and for their lives as a family.  I do all I can to show them the love of God and share about Jesus’ transforming strength. 

Our society likes labels:   Good Guys and Bad Guys.  Victim and Perpetrator.  Friend and Enemy.  I see now that we have only one enemy and that is the enemy of our soul who seeks to destroy families.  This mom, who I saw as the enemy is really a victim of the real enemy.  She is not the devil, she is his prey.  I will continue to bring her to the Lord in PRAY – ER!!!!  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  John 10:10